Saturday, March 31, 2007

Marriage Blues ...! (Conclusion)

Anyway, like joke like joke o, over the past months she has continued to drop the hints here and there: ‘Oh I can’t wait to carry my grandson’ or ‘When you get married …’. At first I would take the bait hook line sinker fisherman and speedboat and start a long drawn argument that she invariably won. As if that wasn’t enough, I once made the grave mistake of asking ‘What’s the big deal about a grandchild anyway?’ in the presence of the Mother’s Brigade, and they simply DESCENDED on me. It was a traumatic experience; all my arguments were put down so fast … I have never felt so silly in my life. So now I just allow the maternal monologue go on after which I ask the perfectly natural next question: ‘Is there fuel in the generator?’

But if you know me, then you know my mother: we don’t ever give up. Weeks to my last birthday for instance, she didn’t feel like driving and asked me to drop her in the office. No sooner has I put the gear into drive than she starts lecturing me about my spiritual life and how I need to take church and God seriously and do I remember the time when I used to preach in church etc etc etc. All well and good. But suddenly she starts repeating: ‘Very soon you’ll be 23! Very soon you’ll be 23! …’ Wait for this. ‘Very soon you’ll be 23, and you will soon get married, and you need to take your spiritual life seriously...” Ooo-kayy! Hold on dear mother, what … has … marriage … got … to … do … with … my … spiritual life? Well, my response was to remind her I was actually going to turn 22 not 23 – so, what, does that give me one year of respite at least please?

You can’t actually blame her: I’m her only child you see. And the first grandson of the entire family. There’s also all kinds of family history I can’t relate here: but bottom line, it is perfectly understandable why my mother would be just a little bit anxious. In fact, as far back as when I was just entering into the University, my grandmother – bless her - put me on notice that she was bringing me a wife from Obomkpa, our village. I stared her down so hard I think I sufficiently intimidated the poor woman: she has not mentioned the word marriage in front of me ever since.

But of course my mum knows better than to mention Obompkpa, or even Asaba the state capital for that matter. Still I can stare her down all I want, she is not going to relent in her noble efforts.

The funny thing is, it’s not like my mum really wants me to get married now – she also knows that it is rather early: but all this drama is because my mother knows how much of her stubborn genes I took (my father never lets us hear enough of this – can’t blame him; the poor man is at the receiving end of both) and I think she senses that marriage is on my 2007-2017 10 year-plan yes, but only at the end of that plan! What she is doing is basically sounding the gong very early, so that as she aims for the sky, her arrows would at least land on one of the Dubai skyscrapers.

And she has a plan! After Law School, she says, I start my masters; get a job, and then get a wife. Knowing me, she says, I will want a highflying career babe, so ‘No problem,” she says, ‘Two of you can go and be flowing high; I will take care of the baby for you in the mean time.” Hold on once again – the baby? When did we get to the baby? You mean we’ve gone past the engagement, the courtship, the wedding and the honeymoon so fast?!

But it is not a joking matter o - when you remember that Law School ends in a few months, then you will understand that the battle is veeeeerrry, veeeery close. The other day she pointed to me that I am already earning more than A, B and C who are taking care of wife and at least one child and living well. When she also suggested I should join her for Singles Prayer Meeting at the (MFM) Prayer City – a harrowing and truly depressing experience where really passionate (to use a very mild word) old men and women spend a whole day alternating between moping with sorrow and energetically hitting chairs and tables in a way that suggests God should only take one look at their self-destructive desperation and send that husband down quick, quick – I realized she was dead serious.

Marriage, however, is so far off my mind that each time she brings up the topic, I am genuinely shocked. It’s not just the fact that I am still very young (after all with the way all of my peers and friends are getting married left right and center, it is beginning to look like a conspiracy with my mother!) even though that is part of it: it is rather the fact that marriage is not something I have any intentions of rushing into. I’ve got like what… decades left to live – so what’s the rush? Plus I always tell people that I have interviewed at least maybe 10-20 couples in recent years, and I repeat; it’s not something I want to rush into.

But the mother who never gives up tells me not to end up like those silly people who think that a successful career and all the fame and acclaim in the world are enough ingredients for happiness – “don’t be fooled. Life is meant to be shared, love and career need to go together.” Believe me, from experience, I agree with her. What I can’t tell her though is that the two have been going together for me for quite a while. Don’t ask me why. You really think I want to go down the traumatic road of her remembering the long forgotten subject of those condoms (actually it was just one!) in my car and how ‘Ehen, I knew it’??? Hell no!

The other day I joked that if she wants a grandchild so much then it isn’t a problem – these days you don’t need a marriage to bring a child into the world. I laughed long and hard after that; I considered it a really funny thought. She didn’t laugh.

So here we are, my dear mother is on the prowl – and from that phone call, I know the woman is going to use every single weapon in the arsenal to bring my walls down. The other day she gave me yet another classic reason why I need to bring a girlfriend home: Bring the girl so I can start praying o. When I tried to discourage her by saying that even if do I find the one I want to marry, the period of courtship is likely to be so long it will look like a sociological experiment, she informs me that I would be inviting the mortal sin of fornication. Well in fairness to her, the late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya continuously warned about the same thing.

Na wayas.

So what was my answer to her very innocent ‘How is your girlfriend’ question? Well, I recovered quickly from my shock, laughed in the most exaggerated way possible and hailed ‘Mummy, Mummy!’ and then said nothing else. She giggled, I giggled, and she dropped the phone…

You see, the goalpost has changed, but you must never, ever forget that the game remains the same: it’s called ‘catch him’. If I admit I have a girlfriend, I admit I have begun the process of finding a wife. Me ke? Cunny man die, cunny man bury am … I am the true son of my mother!

27 comments:

Naijadude said...

he he he he...oh boy na wah ooh! I feel you, trust me I do. Now every convo with every family member must include prayer for wife. The thing dey catch me well well ooh

But why no get a gf and carry am go show mama now? Atleast let her start praying for her and she would understand courtship might take long but the longer it is, the better it is as well. U know dem naija parents now!

Have a good week man and thanks for the article, I found it online and read it before, but I was searching for the Ebuka's which I didnt get to read!

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

only child....
only son wahala...that is what i call it....
i hope u find ur wife soon....
will join ur mother in praying...lol
my brother is now an only son... so i understand...my mum wont let us rest until we find ibo wife for him....lol
marriage is one of the best thing that can happen to anyone if u find the right person ...

Calabar Gal said...

The bit about the MFM prayers had me in stitches - hilarious. I've downloaded their prayers form the internet myself and believe me, I want it to work for me too.

Your mum sounds like great fun - would love to be around when she's grilling you so that we can laugh at the look on ur face. Hurry up and finish law school jo, we all want to wear aso ebi. LOL!!

Chude! said...

@naijadude,
the thing dey catch you too?!?!lol omo make I do wetin? go show am one girrl she pray finish, after 5 months i bring another one land - before we know wetin dey happen them go start to pray against 'spirit wife'!!!

@mystories,
you want to join my mother in praying. help! I am encompassed all around with enemies!lol I feel you on marrriage being the best thing if you find the right person though. Thanks.

@calabar girl,
You wan wear aso ebi abi? you wan wear aso ebi abi? In short!lol. You downloaded the prayers - I pray them too o! Thanks for dropping in!

Idemili said...

Great post. You're young though, I thought you were older.

Ms Zee said...

den den den..... pa ram pa ram ram.... You need to meet Bisi my cousin, she is the only child, 27 an entertainment lawyer in the US, good pay, has everything going on and is NOT , I repeat Is NOT ready for marriage..

Meet her folks including the uncles and aunties by arrangement and "you come from my clan bla bla" almost driving the poor girl to an early grave. Lets just say she has changed her phone 3ce in 2 months as diff Men or should i say potential suitors keep calling courtesy of the Family, her mum esp who cannot wait to hold her grandchildren 7 of them she wants...

I should give her your blog addy...

This is funny... good thing you turned the tables around with mum!

LOeffingL
Ms Zee

chicala said...

hahahhah...ur mum's funy oh. well its naija mums mentality for u, like the world's comin to an end and u shld do evrythng in a rush.

i actually thot u were older, men u'r still young oh. i dont think any1 ur age has started thinkin of marriage sef. jst keep taking it easy jare.

omohemi Benson said...

lol, aren't all naija moms the same?
I thought I was the only one,being harrassed by mom,but to read this,it is relief.
My mom as given up on me for now(or so I think) after having some serious talk with her. I am not tthe only child o! just the 1st.

Ehen! look you have no excuse,you are her only son and child, do something ok. 2017 is too far,haba.
2008 or 9 more like it! :-)

bimbylads said...

lollllllll.. mumsys sha!! dont we love them... u don enter ur own o chude.. no excaping this one....

Chude! said...

@Idemmili,
No the age doesnt matter! It can still happen between us!! It can!!Lol. Seriously though,when I was 19, my former boss , Funmi, used to say I was 19 going on 90 - so I'm quite used to people thinking i'm older.

@Ms. Zee,
LOL!!!!! Yes o - tables are turned and I am feeling cool with myself!lol. I cam imagine the pressure on your cousin - it's even WORSE for girls!!1 Yeah, give me her blog addy lemme read

@chicala,
LOL. Abi o!!! Thanks

@omohemi,
Arent you just lucky?!lol 2008?!?!?!?! Tell me honestly, how much did she pay you to post this comment?!

@bimbylads
Yes, I can actually HEAR you gloating!!lol

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

your mom is hilarious. but i totally understand where she is coming.. from

Chude! said...

ijeoma eh-ehn?!

Lola said...

chude dude, you're too young oh, abeg! at 22? nah.....tell her you have about 5 years to go. the way i see it, a man like you probably has big big dreams and many things you will like to accomplish or set on the way to accomplish before you want to take a wife. Don't succumb to the pressure jo!

NIGERIA POLITRICKS said...

Wonder why momsie deh harrass you like this sha?...they always wanna achieve their dream of a grandchild at the wrong time...Omo, u gotta live your life jare'. Take your time and do what is best for you!

chidi said...

it understandable what she is saying. you are her only son and she wants children from you. i'm suprised though because most mothers who have just 1 child would do anything to keep him/her to herself or if they have to get married, they would like to choose the wife/husband.

exschoolnerd said...

lol about MFM singles prayers....lol...mumcy has dragged me there before and i must say it was quite embarassing..cause she'd shout everytime.

"Laide pray well,pray well"

and there id be...all eyes on me...

"My Adam locate me by fire, my adam locate me by fire"

Gosh i used to hate those days...and i was only 18..

this post was hilarious..lved it.

Olu said...

Omo I remember when momsy called me all d way from Naija @ 7am on a saturday talking about marriage. I wanted to say, "mommy, wtf! Its 7am and ur talkin bout marriage!" but na I go, "mommy, I'm getting ready for work and marriage isn't on my mind right now" and she got d message. Cos she knows she don cross line. Abi weren't they d ones back then telling us that if they catch us with any girl na die we dey...right? Lol

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL

Only 22 and she's already on ur case? LOL. I was expecting 35!

You're a guy and she's on ur case like this? What if you were female? You woulda been hearing this since u were 15. Hehehe

I've updated and there's a pic of me on my blog

laspapi said...

chude,

Funmi's 19 going on 90 suits you. You seem to have been around forever so even your mum (I'm English) might sometimes be lulled into thinking you're older.
Take it from "the girl whisperer", there's no rush.
Come help me with "A Season of Soyinka" now, ah beg.
By the way, I wanna meet your girlfriend. The only other one I ever met was Jer... (hehe)

Chude! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chude! said...

@Lola,
Are you telling me?! I aint giving in to no pressure nada. But like i said it's not as if she really wants me to get married now, just serving notice she is!lol

@nigeriapolitricks,
Thank you o jare!!

@chidi
Yeah; glad you made that point. Which is why I say I completely understand her

@exschoolnerd,
Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahha: 'My Adam locate me by fire!!' I have prayed the 'Eve' variation many times!! Oh I miss MFM!

@Olu
I wonder o - from warning us to run away from them to all of this????? It's called Growing up abi.lol

@vera,
Abi o - my sister!!! Checking your blog right away

@laspapi,
LOL. Since the girl whisperer affirms there's no rush, I am double assured! And THEN, to save jer... good name, I am going to be visiting you with she who you seek once I land in Lagos. About A Season ... why not? I am going to be in Lagos from the end of April so let's keep talking ...

Generally, this is obviously the most popular post EVER - people who I didnt know even visited the internet at all calling to express solidarity - or even worse, pile more pressure than dear mother!LOl. Very soon, this post will 'disappear'!!

linda ikeji said...

did you say ure 23?wow!tot u were older.ure a lawyer by profession right?uv done well 4 urself at such a young age chude.big up!

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

oya update now!!!!

naijagal said...

interesting read! I really enjoyed it! Stop by my blog sometime:)

one minute it is do not speak to boys next it is so when are you getting married

xyz is married and abc just had a baby! lol

keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

update oooo

Chude! said...

@linda,
thanks thanks thanks. been trying to post a comment on your blog for two days now without luck o.

@36 inches
okay o - i don update! sorry, i've been crazy-busy. how work?

@naijagal,
THanks!! Cjhecked out your blog - couldnt find where to post commentrs tho.

@anon
who be this o?! Anyway done that. thanks!

Chili Pepa said...

This was one hilarious one eh, Chude. Didn't even know you had a blog! Stumbled on it by mistake.
Anyway, I'm 30, and I still have no interest in that union as yet.But I can say I feel your pain a bit. It's usually my Dad who gives me unnecessary lectures about marriage- when he gets to see or talk to me that is. He has a method, he says "Is that my son-in-law in the background? (This is if I get dropped off by a friend, or if I'm on the phone with him.) But I have one answer for him: You can choose to have a son-in-law or you can choose to have a daughter. You can't have both.It's not negotiable. (At least not for now.)
That keeps him quiet. I'm the only daughter and it's bad enough that I don't even live in the same state as he does and I rarely go home. The only problem is that my remedy is short-lived. I must repeat the same conversation EVERYTIME I see him.

AAARRGH